Tuesday, May 10, 2005

Lifetime Moronic Achievement Award: John Rocker

I was going to give baseball's John Rocker a Moron of the Week Award for his latest lamebrained comments to the press, but I figured: Why not just give him the Moronic Lifetime Achievement Award, and save myself from ever having to mention him again?

Rocker, who in an infamous interview with Sports Illustrated some years ago let loose with a barrage of ill-thought and bigoted remarks about ethnic minorities, gays, and women, is now comparing his frequent lambasting by fans and sportswriters with the struggles of Jackie Robinson and Hank Aaron.

Get a whiff of what the Rocker is cooking:

"I've taken a lot of crap from a lot of people. Probably more than anybody in the history of this sport. I know Hank (Aaron) and Jackie (Robinson) took a good deal of crap, but I guarantee it wasn't for six years. I just keep thinking: How much more am I supposed to take?"

Okay, let's see...

Robinson and Aaron were phenomenally gifted players whose achievements in the major leagues, coupled with the color of their skin, made them the targets of open bigotry, verbal abuse, and even death threats throughout their stellar careers. Both overcame these obstacles to be numbered among the greatest heroes in baseball history, on and off the diamond.

Rocker is a marginally talented nitwit who can't keep his numbskull opinions to himself. His constant oral-pedal insertion makes him the target of righteous indignation from baseball-loving Americans who wonder why any team would waste money employing this creep. He's currently serving up gopher balls for an independent minor league club on Long Island.

Yeah, that looks pretty equal to me.

I suspect that both Hammerin' Hank and the late Jackie Robinson would, given a chance, wrap a Louisville Slugger around Rocker's concrete cranium. And be justified in so doing.

Rocker has every right to his views. That's what America is all about. But he's a living corollary to Carolla's Rule. (I've coined Carolla's Rule in honor of comedian and radio talk show host Adam Carolla, who once told a Loveline caller who was tired of getting stares due to his multiple tattoos and exposed piercings, "If you don't want people to look at you like you're a freak, don't do freaky things to yourself.") Rocker's entitled to spew all the idiotic blather he wishes, but he can't expect people not to treat him like an idiot when he does.

In the meantime, John, why don't you go listen to Warren Zevon's "Poor, Poor Pitiful Me" about 892,000 times — a thousand spins for every major league home run hit by Aaron and Robinson, whose honor you besmirched by piggybacking your self-induced and well-deserved bad reputation onto their good names. And don't come back until you're done, loser.

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