Thursday, March 24, 2005

The Neanderthals weigh in

FHM Magazine — the initials of which appear to stand for Fomenting Hormonal Madness, judging by the inordinate amount of attention paid to the physical attributes of female celebrities and porn stars on its Web site — has unveiled its list of the sexiest women in the world.

The list, determined by a poll taken from among 15 million testosterone-crazed Joe Lunchbuckets worldwide, is yet another testament to the bankruptcy of taste in modern society.

Beauty is in the eye of the beholder, of course. And I readily admit that my criteria for evaluating attractiveness do not always — or often, even — hew closely to the prevailing norm. But this list is, in my frank and earnest opinion ("In Detroit I'm Frank, in Chicago I'm Ernest" — Samuel L. Jackson, The Long Kiss Goodnight), pathetic. Let's run down the top ten, shall we?

1. Angelina Jolie. If this is the sexiest woman in the world, I'm Denzel Washington. Ms. Jolie is a fine actress — better, I think, than she's often given credit for being — and she has a certain je ne sais quoi that's appealing. But I can think of several hundred women I'd consider more attractive than she is. Plus, she's weird, which knocks points off my raw score. Anyone who would tattoo Billy Bob Thornton's name on herself has a screw loose somewhere.

2. Jennifer Garner. I have no idea what people see in her. She has squarish, vaguely masculine features, and can't act her way out of a wet Daredevil movie.

3. Paris Hilton. Please. The word for this woman starts with the same sound as skunk and rhymes with tank. Scrawny, homely, and brain-dead.

4. Charlize Theron. Okay, I'll concede this one. Unless she's made up to look like Aileen Wuornos.

5. Halle Berry. No argument. Should be close to the top on any such list, even though I find her rather pretentious and annoying in interviews.

6. Alyssa Milano. Feh. Her only engaging quality is sharing my birthday.

7. Teri Hatcher. Yeesh. Wasn't attractive back when she was Lois Lane, is even less so now. Needs to leap off the plastic surgery train pronto.

8. Pamela Anderson. I'm not even going to dignify this one with a response.

9. Scarlett Johansson. Really? Excellent actress — seriously major talent, with a winning screen presence. But who finds her sexy? She looks like your best friend's dweeby little sister who thought she was Harriet the Spy.

10. Lindsay Lohan. She's a kid, for crying out loud. Anyone over 21 who voted for her ought to be ashamed of himself. Yes, that includes you, Bruce Willis, you deve.

1 insisted on sticking two cents in:

Blogger Lynda offered these pearls of wisdom...

I have to agree with your assessment of Angelina Jolie - don't quite get her appeal. Jennifer Garner is "squarish," but there is something cute about her (as seen in "13 Going On 30"). Teri Hatcher is just too thin - kind of creepy!

10:02 AM  

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