Tuesday, March 22, 2005

12 Actual Spider-Man Villains Who Won't Be Played By Thomas Haden Church in Spider-Man 3

Sony Pictures announced today that Thomas Haden Church, whom I still think of as the mentally deranged airplane mechanic on Wings, will portray the villain in the third Spider-Man film. But they're not telling which baddie in Spidey's sizable rogues' gallery Church will play.

Here's an even dozen actual Spider-Man villains, straight from the pages of Marvel Comics, that I can guarantee will never appear in a major motion picture:

1. The Trapster. Weapon of choice: Glue gun. Seriously. Originally, this guy called himself Paste-Pot Pete, without question the stupidest supervillain name in the history of comics. How scary is a villain who might suddenly start doing crafts in the middle of a fight?

2. The Crime Master. Weapon of choice: A nerve gas gun, which he probably stole from the Green Hornet. If you really are a "crime master," you don't usually have to tell people.

3. The Beetle. Weapon of choice: A flying bug suit with suction cups on the fingertips. I kept expecting him to break out in a cover rendition of "I Wanna Hold Your Hand."

4. The Big Wheel. Weapon of choice: A giant wheel that he rode around in. Dude -- you named yourself after a tricycle. What were you thinking?

5. The Gibbon. Weapon of choice: Monkey fu. Not to be confused with Ewell Gibbons, who used to be the spokesperson for Grape-Nuts cereal, or with Leeza Gibbons, who's been the spokesperson for tons of stuff. Easily pacified with bananas.

6. The Grizzly. Weapon of choice: Bear suit. Remember that old David Letterman bit, "Can a guy in a bear suit get a hug from a stranger?" This was that guy. I'll take a rain check on the hug.

7. The Rose. Weapon of choice: Standard-issue firearms. When choosing a name that will strike fear into the hearts of superheroes, try to avoid names of flowers and Bette Midler songs, or both.

8. The Rocket Racer. Weapon of choice: Rocket-powered skateboard. This was really a silly idea for a supervillain. Almost as silly an idea as a man on a flying surfboard that...oh, wait...never mind.

9. The Owl. Weapon of choice: None, but had a weird haircut that gave him the appearance of an owl. Someone at Marvel Comics must have been snockered on happy juice the day this one was invented.

10. The Kangaroo. Weapon of choice: Jumping boots. You know, you really can work the animal angle to death.

11. Man-Mountain Marko. Weapon of choice: Convulsing his foes with laughter at the very mention of his ludicrous name.

12. The Mindworm. Weapon of choice: His big brain. His real name, however, was William, not Brett. Cried when Spider-Man defeated him. What kind of wimpy supervillain cries?

(This article is cross-posted to my film/television blog at DVD Verdict.)

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