Saturday, December 11, 2004

Bernie don't disco...or do homeland security

You would think, after the much-publicized (over-publicized, in my humble opinion) Nannygate problems that scuttled previous Cabinet nominations for Zoe Baird and Linda Chavez, people being considered for these top-level government jobs would have their act together regarding the domestic workers they've hired, before getting into the kind of dilemma that Bernard Kerik, the President's erstwhile nominee for Homeland Security secretary, now finds himself in.

Personally, I think these situations are little more than an opportunity for gleeful, self-righteous finger-pointing, regardless of whether the fingers being pointed are Democratic or Republican. If you slapped down every employer in America who has ever hired an undocumented foreign worker, the agricultural, garment manufacturing, and hospitality industries — among others — would crumble like cellophane overnight. And if you really wanted to get nitpicky about whose governesses, gardeners, and cabana boys are in the country on the down low and taking cash under the table to keep it that way, there would be a plethora of rich folks of all political persuasions in Beverly Hills, Scarsdale, and Kennebunkport suddenly doing their own laundry, washing their own cars, and pruning their own azaleas.

I'm not saying it's okay to hire illegals, or to fail to pay the appropriate taxes for one's domestic help. I'm just saying it's naive to think millions of households and businesspeople aren't doing it. And I think it's a little silly that someone, regardless of political affiliation, can't get a government job because they gave work to someone who wanted and most likely really needed it.

On the other hand, if Kerik were in charge of homeland security, part of his job would include overseeing immigration enforcement. I guess that's what we call a conflict of interest.

Mad magazine, many years ago, published an article designed to explain political terminology to children, in words they could understand. This was the definition of conflict of interest: "When you get appointed hall monitor to keep people from stealing stuff out of lockers, and you're the main one who's stealing stuff out of lockers."

See, Bernie? You should have spent less time studying for police exams, and more time reading Mad magazine.

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