Doctor, my eyes!
Just when you thought it was safe to go back to the video store: There's a Britney Spears sex tape floating around.
The guy who allegedly costars in the alleged amateur porn romp with the alleged former Mouseketeer says he hooked up with the Britster at the Four Seasons resort on the Big Island's Kohala Coast back in June.
"It was just normal sex, we didn't do anything crazy," says the Ron Jeremy wannabe. Nothing crazy, except for the video camera, I suppose.
This incessant rash of celebrity porn needs to stop, before some innocent party's retinas incur irreparable damage from beholding the wrong person in flagrante delicto. (Actually, that occurred already, after the widespread release of Dustin "Screech" Diamond's videographed sexploits.)
To this end, we offer Uncle Swan's Top Ten Celebrities Who Must Never, Ever, In the Name of All That's Decent, Get Caught Making a Sex Video:
10. Richard Belzer.
9. Ellen DeGeneres. Even if she kept the camera trained on Portia de Rossi the entire time.
8. Ryan Seacrest, or any of his American Idol cohorts.
7. The Geico Cavemen.
6. Donald Trump. Especially if his costar is Rosie O'Donnell.
5. Ralphie May.
4. Any member of the Osmond family.
3. Greta Van Susteren.
2. Abe Vigoda.
1. Joan and/or Melissa Rivers. (Ow! My retinas hurt just imagining that.)
BONUS LIST! Uncle Swan's Top Ten Celebrities Who, In All Likelihood, Have Already Made a Sex Video That You Really, Really Don't Want to See:
10. Danny DeVito and Rhea Perlman.
9. Roger Ebert. (Remember, he used to hang out with Russ Meyer.)
8. Sue Johanson, the Talk Sex host.
7. The Olsen twins, either separately (ugh!) or together (double ugh!).
6. Fred Thompson and his trophy wife.
5. Andy Dick.
4. Flavor Flav and Tiffany "New York" Pollard.
3. Clint Eastwood and either Sondra Locke or Frances Fisher. (Seriously, Clint: What were you thinking, man?)
2. Gallagher.
1. Vincent Gallo and Chloë Sevigny. (Oops... too late.)
The guy who allegedly costars in the alleged amateur porn romp with the alleged former Mouseketeer says he hooked up with the Britster at the Four Seasons resort on the Big Island's Kohala Coast back in June.
"It was just normal sex, we didn't do anything crazy," says the Ron Jeremy wannabe. Nothing crazy, except for the video camera, I suppose.
This incessant rash of celebrity porn needs to stop, before some innocent party's retinas incur irreparable damage from beholding the wrong person in flagrante delicto. (Actually, that occurred already, after the widespread release of Dustin "Screech" Diamond's videographed sexploits.)
To this end, we offer Uncle Swan's Top Ten Celebrities Who Must Never, Ever, In the Name of All That's Decent, Get Caught Making a Sex Video:
10. Richard Belzer.
9. Ellen DeGeneres. Even if she kept the camera trained on Portia de Rossi the entire time.
8. Ryan Seacrest, or any of his American Idol cohorts.
7. The Geico Cavemen.
6. Donald Trump. Especially if his costar is Rosie O'Donnell.
5. Ralphie May.
4. Any member of the Osmond family.
3. Greta Van Susteren.
2. Abe Vigoda.
1. Joan and/or Melissa Rivers. (Ow! My retinas hurt just imagining that.)
BONUS LIST! Uncle Swan's Top Ten Celebrities Who, In All Likelihood, Have Already Made a Sex Video That You Really, Really Don't Want to See:
10. Danny DeVito and Rhea Perlman.
9. Roger Ebert. (Remember, he used to hang out with Russ Meyer.)
8. Sue Johanson, the Talk Sex host.
7. The Olsen twins, either separately (ugh!) or together (double ugh!).
6. Fred Thompson and his trophy wife.
5. Andy Dick.
4. Flavor Flav and Tiffany "New York" Pollard.
3. Clint Eastwood and either Sondra Locke or Frances Fisher. (Seriously, Clint: What were you thinking, man?)
2. Gallagher.
1. Vincent Gallo and Chloë Sevigny. (Oops... too late.)
Labels: Aimless Riffing, Celebritiana, Listology, Ripped From the Headlines, Sexiest People Alive, Spederline
SwanShadow was randomly pounding the keyboard at 3:02 PM
1 insisted on sticking two cents in:
You're probably 100% right about Danny and Rhea, but why OH why did you have to put that image in our heads?
An Ellen tape to see Portia doesn't sound so bad, IMO. And is Sue Johansen that really, really, really old lady that has a cable show on the subject? I'm afraid to Google. :)
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