Wednesday, August 09, 2006

Only Weekend Warriors need apply

Here's your quote for today, courtesy of rock guitar legend and itinerant gun nut Ted Nugent:
"If you want to be in my band, you have to be a member of the NRA, and you have to love to kill stuff. That's why we're here."
Now, straight shooter that he is (no pun intended), The Nuge isn't sharing the full skinny on what it takes to become a full-fledged member of his performing ensemble. Yes, it's true that one must be a homicidal sociopath. That goes without saying. But other important criteria apply also.

Thanks to intensive research by the nonprofit (it's not how we planned it, things just worked out that way) SwanShadow Foundation for Truth in Rock, we herewith present the Top Ten Qualifications for Aspiring Motor City Madmen. Applicants must...
  1. Be able to articulate the difference between "Nugent" and "Nougat."

  2. Have proof of current immunization against cat scratch fever.

  3. Swear to stomp the everlovin' doody out of anyone who accidentally mistakes Ted for Sammy Hagar.

  4. Be prepared to say "You're absolutely right, Ted," a lot.

  5. Know that "Wang Dang Sweet Poontang" is not an orange-flavored breakfast drink.

  6. Possess experience in gutting whole venison carcasses.

  7. Call Derek St. Holmes on the phone and belt out a Tarzan yell in his ear.

  8. Write a 1,000-word essay on the reasons why Damn Yankees was the baddest supergroup in history.

  9. Enjoy the taste of Meat Loaf.

  10. Look totally smokin' in a leather loincloth.
All that, and of course, be an NRA member and love to kill stuff.

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1 insisted on sticking two cents in:

Anonymous pitman offered these pearls of wisdom...

How come the yellow-bellied traitorous coward Nugent didn't want to kill anything in Vietnam?? Instead he killed his jockeys by urinating and defecating in them to avoid serving his country. Now he wraps himself in the flag like the filthy bag of hypocrisy that he is.

6:14 AM  

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