Thursday, October 27, 2005

I can name that ballpark in three letters

With the impending merger of communications giants SBC and AT&T into a new and more monopolistic AT&T (wasn't this why the company was broken up to begin with?), the San Francisco Giants' friendly confines will soon gain its third new name in only six years.

Originally dubbed Pacific Bell Park, way back in 2000 when the local telephone megalith was known by that handle, the ballyard was rechristened SBC Park in 2004 after PacBell's reabsorption into its former fellow Baby Bell. (Wasn't this why the company was broken up to begin with? But I repeat myself.)

Now, says an SBC spokesman, the combined entity will reposition itself under the AT&T brand. Presumably, this means the China Basin playing field at McCovey Cove will transform once more — this time into AT&T Park — before next baseball season begins.

Since Giants fans will already be forced to adjust to yet another corporate cognomen when they want to watch their favorite team, why not simply change the ballpark's name every year, to plump the fortunes of a different Bay Area business? If adopted, my plan might result in Giants broadcasters welcoming listeners and viewers to the following locales in upcoming seasons:

  • I'm surprised Giants honcho Peter Magowan didn't think of this already: Safeway Park (Magowan made his fortune as CEO of the supermarket giant)

  • Games will be visually spectacular and technically brilliant, but ultimately empty of genuine emotion: Lucasfilms Park

  • For nostalgia fanatics: Doggie Diner Park

  • Now that's good eats: Big Nate's Barbecue Park (owned by former Golden State Warriors star Nate Thurmond)

  • Change the uniforms to denim: Levi Strauss Park

  • Monster Park (no, wait... that's already taken)

  • In honor of another local playing field: Golden Gate Park Park

  • Because if I don't suggest it, Steve Jobs will: Apple iPark

  • You'll never have trouble searching for it: Google Park

  • Because we mentioned the competition: Yahoo! Park

  • At least the players would be animated: Pixar Park

  • It's a man's world: Mitchell Brothers O'Farrell Theater Park

  • Larry Ellison owns darn near everything else anyway: Oracle Park

  • Auction off future naming rights to the highest bidder: eBay Park

  • Replay the games when you want to watch them: TiVo Park

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