Bear necessities

The animal scientists at the Oakland Zoo are concerned because their pair of sun bears, Spike and Kaika, have mated literally hundreds of times without producing offspring. Zookeepers are now making plans to move the procreational proceedings along via artificial insemination.

I think they're going to be in for a rude awakening when they discover that bear-sized diaphragm in Kaika's cage.

This oddity of animal husbandry reminds me of the time then-President Calvin Coolidge and his wife visited a government-subsidized chicken farm. Managers of the facility took the President and the First Lady on separate tours of the physical plant, explaining the operation of the farm along the way.

When Mrs. Coolidge and her entourage arrived at the breeding station, the fellow in charge advised the First Lady that it was the sole job of the rooster to fertilize the hen population.

"And how many times a day does he do this?" asked Mrs. Coolidge.

"Oh, dozens of times," said the tour guide.

"Please be sure to tell that to the President when he stops by here," the First Lady replied.

Before long, President Coolidge and his party arrived at the breeding station. The dutiful guide remembered the First Lady's instructions, so he made it a point of explaining to the Commander-in-Chief that the rooster performed his roosterly duty dozens of times each day.

"All with the same hen?" asked the incredulous Coolidge.

"Oh, no, Mr. President," responded the guide. "With a different hen each time."

To which Coolidge replied:

"Please be sure to tell that to the First Lady when she stops by here."